Inhabiting the Work: Why Mastery in Personal Development Isn’t Measured by How Much You’ve Done

Aug 6, 2025

Exploring what it actually means to “do the work” — not as a performance, not as a temporary process, but as a way of truly inhabiting and living in your life without a checkbox to confirm doing so.

If you’re in a tender season, this reflection gently explores grief, burnout, and the pressure to keep doing when being is calling you. Come in when you’re ready.

`IS PERSONAL MASTERY WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS?`

You’ve been in the rooms, right? The ones that feel like liminal spaces, the backrooms you weren’t supposed to stumble into as a female founder in the entrepreneurial space?

I’ve been on a personal development journey since I was about 15, after a series of formative traumas that left me emotionally and mentally stunted. Healing — at least the kind that feels like it sticks — has never been linear. And yet, so much of what’s sold in the personal development space is a shiny, buttoned-up narrative that often skips over the parts that matter the most.

After polling my community of female founders and well-accomplished women on Instagram, the split was clear between perusing this article or the upcoming one (“When Over-giving Masquerades as Depth”). If you’re over-giving, you’re in the midst of a “doing the work” crisis (it’s minimal, shiftable, fixable if you must).

In this article, I’ll explore what it actually means to “do the work” — not as a performance, not as a temporary process, but as a way of living. This is a conversation for those of us who have been in the game a long time and are noticing… that maybe the work isn’t what we thought it was.

`“DOING THE WORK” vs. INHABITING THE WORK`

I chuckle a bit using the phrase “personal mastery” — It sounds so incredibly sexy. If you search the term, you’re compelled to click the blue links that promise that you’ll finally be living a life that you really want to be living.

Personal mastery still implies what “doing the work” implies — a timeline, a completion, an arrival, a destination that will proclaim your feat as solved and achieved.

The phrase “doing the work” implies that you can pick it up and put it down. That it’s a to-do list or a curriculum that you’re learning. If you will, it is soul-work and soul-work follows a unique curriculum per person. You have lessons in your life that I’ll never go through and vice versa, yeah? We come together over a bonfire under the full moon with some warm (or room-temp) drink in our hand and I know your stories will differ from mine and ours will differ from the women around us.

That’s the curriculum, if you must. As women, when we’re in crisis, we “tend-and-befriend” instead of immediately turning to “fight-flight-freeze-fawn”.

“We propose that, behaviorally, females’ responses are more marked by a pattern of ‘tend-and-befriend.’ Tending involves nurturant activities designed to protect the self and offspring that promote safety and reduce distress; befriending is the creation and maintenance of social networks that may aid in this process.”1 — Shelley E. Taylor, Psychologist

Right now, there’s a major push towards somatic work, nervous system work, and body-based techniques to support a shift from “fight-flight-freeze-fawn” and though that’s important, I’m noticing something else that’s missing in this equation.

As proposed by Shelley E. Taylor, females’ responses are marked by this pattern of connection with their families and friends (social networks) and there is a higher percentage of isolation and loneliness than ever before.

In professional settings, nearly 70% of women report feeling unsupported, with 53% feeling lonely and 51% feeling isolated due to their jobs. This is especially seen among women in leadership roles, where workplace dynamics and lack of peer support can intensify feelings of isolation.2

What does this have to do with “doing the work”?

Once I began noticing in clients that instead of deepening their connections and conversations with others, especially in high-end rooms that they paid thousands, sometimes 6 figures, to be in, they retreated and isolated instead.

Which led me to consider, are women actually in a “flight-flight-freeze-fawn” state, as much as they are living in opposition to their biological response to “tend-and-befriend”.

Please indulge me as I provide this clarity: body-based techniques and “tending-and-befriending” are both important pieces of the puzzle, but from personal experiences and working with hundreds of clients across the globe as a business consultant with lifestyle design and coaching in the mix… I saw more female founders in isolation than I saw female founders in a “fight-or-flight” response.

As I was “doing the work” after losing my brother-in-law, Isaiah, in a deeply traumatic way in 2023, I was residing deeply in the checklist of healing:

Somatics and nervous system work
Brain re-training, EMDR, hypnosis, visualization
Breathwork, walking meditations, reiki
Massage therapy and chiropractics (specifically for brain retraining)
Talk therapy and mindset coaching groups
Hot girl walks, sauna, cold showers to warm showers
Continuing clean eating when food seemed like a foreign object
Cutting out caffeine (to decaf we went) and alcohol
Grief rituals, moon ceremonies, journaling, trauma podcasts
Herbs and supplements for stress

I needed all of it and needed less of it all at the same time.

The kind of healing I was actually experiencing and inhabiting the deepest happened in conversation and connection; long weekends at my girlfriends houses, visiting family and watching the sunset, and calling friends that had walked through deep grief, too. Sobbing in the arms of someone who loved me. Rocking in the arms of someone who saw me. Sitting in silence until the silence was too loud and heading outside to hear nature talk (birds singing, wind blowing, rain tapping).

What I’ve come to believe is that personal development — real growth — has less to do with action and more to do with inhabitance. It’s not what you do, it’s how you live.

Thus, am I kind of talking you out of working with me? A life coach that actively supports you as a well-accomplished woman that’s already operating at a level most only dream of, those that are exceptionally capable with a track record of excellence, and multi-passionate and masterful across disciplines to shift from the identity of doing to the identity of being?

Maybe. You’re the decider, of course, but I’d aim to say after 15 years in marketing that no, I’m actually probably calling you in closer.

You know this if you’ve been at it a while.

You’re no longer chasing breakthrough after breakthrough; you’re integrating.

You’re no longer in the believing state that every breakthrough has to come with a breakdown; you’re capable of noticing before you’re burning and on fire.

You recognize that your “highest self” is still creating a hierarchy between who you are and who you’re becoming, deepening the pain that only comes from separation; may this work call you back into your deepest self.

You’re responding from your body, not your scripts.

You don’t need to say you’re “doing the work” anymore — your life speaks for itself.

`WHEN THE ROOM DOESN’T MATCH THE POSITIONING`

You’ve been in the rooms; the high-end masterminds and development spaces that feel like the backrooms of Disney World. Odd, out of place, eerie, and yet you can’t quite put your finger on why.

You enter thinking you’ve found “your people” — positioned as high-integrity, evolved, ego-less, heart-forward entrepreneurs. But quickly, you realize the energy doesn’t match the marketing.

There’s venting, yes — but no internal reflection.

Complaints about clients, resentment toward partners, blaming team members.

There’s superiority masked as “wisdom” and spiritual bypassing disguised as depth.

Perhaps you’ve considered that you’re “too human” or “too sensitive” to be in these rooms because you’re not able to detach as quickly as others.

I fully believe in the law of detachment… with one caveat.

The law of detachment says: “Though you may have an intention, you must give up your attachment to its realization before it can manifest.”

I see many female founders, entrepreneurs, and well-accomplished women detaching (especially in this day-and-age of pop psychology and diluted spirituality) before they’ve embraced the pain.

Embracing the pain is the next step after noticing the pain, but many are misguided to detach from the pain before the hug can even begin.

The “pain-hug” is something I leaned into in my own healing journey, but especially after the death of my brother.

I was often guided by today’s pop psyche and dilute spiritual practices to let go, to hold onto “high vibrations”, and recognize my low frequency could make me sick.

I was sick with grief.

You’ve been sick with grief at some point.

Perhaps you did get sick. Perhaps you did feel burnt out. Perhaps you couldn’t find the time within your day to grieve — see the “unediting of a life that already looks successful” section of this Substack for more on this.

But what makes us sicker is detaching before embracing the pain. The pain doesn’t actually leave with detachment.

Thus, when you’re in rooms where detachment, moving onto the next problem, calling “what’s next” West Wing style before they’ve felt the shudders of their problems can be the reason why you’re sensing something is “off”.

These are people who are in the work — but haven’t internalized it. Because doing the work is not just about analyzing or venting. It’s about learning how to respond instead of react. It’s about treating the body as a site of knowing, not just the brain as a tool for control.

[BTW, obsessed with West Wing and love that quote, but it has its place!]

`TRAUMA AWARENESS, PEDESTALS, AND THE “GOD-MASK”`

There’s something dangerous that happens when people spend years in the personal development world without confronting their own trauma or ego: they start to believe they are above it all.

This is where I see the “god mask” emerge — the belief that spiritual or emotional work creates a hierarchy.

That those who’ve done more are “better.”

That those still struggling are less evolved.

I don’t buy into it, but I did for a minute.

I did see the reason why even personal growth — something so personal that it’s ceremonial and sacred — would then become another way for a hierarchy to begin. Another way for society to grip its way around us. Perhaps capitalism could be called into question here. Patriarchy, too.

But the “god-mask” keeps you in a state of isolation, still. For males, this might be less intense (though, by the numbers of depression, anxiety, violence, and suicide, I’d aim to say that’s a faltering truth), but for females that “tend-and-befriend”… this “god-mask” is another perfect way to become deeply alone.

And one of the most iconic lines used in marketing for female founders (and entrepreneurs, in general)? “The top is isolating.”

Our bodies are being set up to feel alone. The programming is clear: you’re alone and you know it, and as you become more successful… you’ll become more alone.

Your body knows things mine doesn’t.

And mine knows things yours doesn’t.

There’s no formula (even when everyone claims to have one).

There isn’t an unseen race (even when your adrenaline says so).

And there isn’t finish line (even if you interpret that there must be).

The more regulated and attuned you become, the less performative your development needs to be. You’re not there to impress or teach or prove — you’re there to be. And that being ripples outward.

Becoming your deepest self is not about elevation, it’s about descent. Your “highest self” can be solidly put on the shelf and your future pacing can be reconsidered for a moment to allow the sacred waters of self-acceptance to wash over you.

Your healing is rich territory and you own it.

Thus, what is this “god-mask” and how can you notice it, see it, and heal it for yourself if you’re in rooms where it’s running rampant?

The “God Mask” is a psychological or energetic persona someone adopts — often unconsciously — to present themselves as all-knowing, above rebuke, and immune to error. In coaching spaces, it can masquerade as confidence or “certified authority,” but underneath is often fear, unprocessed trauma, or a deep need for control.

And often, it comes off as “fatherly”, “overly masculine”, dipping into “toxic masculinity”, and all in the most negative sense of the image of a “Father”.

How it shows up in speech, behavior, and containers:

Speech

Uses universal language (“everyone,” “always,” “never”) without nuance
Over-relies on phrases like “That’s just your ego talking” or “This is a trauma response” to end conversations
Rarely admits confusion, doubt, or changes of heart
Seeks to avoid vulnerability at all costs, even in their deepest pain
Tends to moralize: “If you were really embodied / healed / in your feminine…”

Behavior

Positions themselves as the final authority — rarely references outside sources or peers unless it boosts their status and/or doesn’t establish a safe space for ALL involved to be a unique authority
Encourages admiration, not collaboration
Becomes subtly defensive or evasive when questioned
Disappears when questioned or when experiences aren’t going to plan
Calls anything that exists outside of positivity “drama” and belittles through evasion
Avoids naming their own patterns, projections, or shadow work

In Coaching Containers

Prioritizes obedience over inquiry (clients are trained to obey and comply, not discern)
Discomfort is spiritualized — often attributed to “your resistance,” not dynamics in the container
Their “method” becomes gospel; deviation is framed as regression
Feedback loops are broken — no true feedback can be given without risk of emotional or energetic punishment

If you’ve been in rooms with a trauma-aware leader, then you’ll recognize the following:

Traits of a Trauma-Informed Leader (Without the Pedestal)

These leaders lead with grounded authority, humility, care, and discernment — not performance or hierarchy.

A trauma-informed leader who doesn’t self-pedestal:

Is resourced but not reliant on being perceived as the expert
Names their own growth edges and blind spots publicly
Invites feedback without spiritualizing it (“Thank you for sharing that — I want to sit with it before responding”)
Doesn’t shame clients for emotional reactions, projections, or spirals
Leaves space for rupture and repair, not just resolution
Models attunement: they adapt their leadership without abandoning their standards
Speaks in specificity, not absolutes
Prioritizes sovereignty and consent over compliance or “obedience”
Respects the intelligence and inner wisdom of their clients
Is more interested in being effective than being admired

If you’re in the wrong room, I invite you to find your next one and I’d be remiss if I didn’t invite you to my own spaces. Let your deepest edit begin, where you’ll be tracking through your own life via my guidance to unearth your deepest lessons, gifts, and sacred transitions. There are two ways to work with me in this season: The Harmonious Living Program and Private Life Coaching.

For now, I’m leaving you with how to stay in your body with a deeply uncomfortable emotion without immediately looking to abandon it, spiritually bypass it, etc.

`STAYING IN YOUR BODY WITH DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE EMOTIONS AS A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN`

Staying in your body with deeply uncomfortable emotions instead of immediately seeking to change the pain will be the only way that the pain will not constantly come back in an unbroken spiral.

Name What’s Happening — Without Needing to Fix It

“Something big is moving through me.”
“This is sorrow.”
“This feels like shame.”

Giving the feeling a name helps anchor you. It’s not about intellectualizing — just naming the feeling gives form to the “fog”.

Reorient to the Room

Look around you. Name 5 things you see.
Touch a surface — feel the texture.
Smell the air — even if it’s neutral.
Let your body know by saying internally or externally: “I’m here, and I’m safe enough.”

This helps prevent disassociation or “spiritual” flight.

Place a Hand on the Area Where the Emotion Seems To Be Coming From

If it’s grief: maybe your chest.
If it’s fear: maybe your tummy.
If it’s rage: maybe your jaw.

Just place your hand there and breathe. No need to do anything else yet. Just stay. You’re witnessing the part of you that holds this emotion — you don’t have to become it or embody it.

Use Simple Language Internally

Not spiritual truths. Not affirmations. Just raw, kind truth:

“Of course this hurts. Why wouldn’t it?”
“I feel like I want to leave, but I’m staying.”
“I can hold this with tender, love, and care.”
“This is too much and I’m still here.”

Let this be a relationship, not a rescue mission.

Micro-Move: Let the Body Speak

Just a micro-movement can stimulate the vagus nerve (that’s what we want): a 1-minute sway, shake, curl, hum, or lie down. Not to release the emotion but to show it you’re not abandoning the body it lives in.

You’re not trying to clear the feeling — you’re showing it that it has space and you’re being with it. You know when the men in your life seek to “do” something about your feelings? If you’re immediately moving into that range, give pause. Be with it.

When You’re Ready: Ask the Emotion One Question

“What do you want me to know right now?”

Let it answer in an image, phrase, color, or body sensation. You’re not analyzing it — you’re letting it reveal itself.

When You Notice Spiritual Bypass Creeping In:

It often sounds like:

“It’s all for my growth.”
“I’m probably attracting this.”
“There’s a lesson here I need to learn.”
“Let me go meditate/light incense/do breathwork to get rid of this.”

Instead, softly say:

“I don’t need to understand this yet. I just need to stay.”

You can still embrace learning, lessons, meditation, doing breathwork, and focusing on this being growth, but do it later. For now, stay with your humanness.

`THE REAL WORK IS IN THE LIVING`

We’re allowed to be human. To vent, to feel stuck, to question ourselves.

But the work — when it’s real — happens in the quiet moments. The in-between spaces.

Not in how much you can share, but in how deeply you can feel.

Not in bypassing, but in the bravery of staying with your body.

If you find yourself in a room that doesn’t feel right — trust that. You don’t have to engage in cycles you’ve already outgrown. You’re allowed to be further along.

And you’re allowed to take the next step — not the leap, not the shortcut — the step.

Quantum leaps aren’t loud. They’re often minute, internal, and sacred.

And they come not from doing more, but from becoming more human. Spiritual bypassing? Unsubscribed.

For more penned perspectives like this in your inbox every Sunday, join the Sunday Newspaper [newsletter], The Deep Edit. Personal narratives, thought-provoking insights from supporting hundreds of 6-7 figure female founders and high-achieving professionals, practical yet soulful guidance, and deeply resonant reflections delivered to you. Subscribe to The Deep Edit to receive an immediate newsletter with a podcast to put in your ears as you shift and evolve this season.

Media Links & Footnotes:

Images used throughout the article can be found here from Pinterest; other images were sourced from Canva. Collage template is by Xanthe Appleyard.

Byles, J. E., Forder, P. M., Loxton, D. J., & Mishra, G. D. (2025). Loneliness and all-cause mortality in Australian women aged 45 years and older: Causal inference analysis of longitudinal data. BMJ Medicine, 4(1), e001004.

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